Parenthood has changed me. I know, I know, it changes everyone. But this is MY story.
Things are so different now. In my heart. Sure, I loved before. I loved my family and my fabulous nieces and my friends. I love G. I love G with a depth and breadth I thought only existed in Jane Austin novels before I met him. My heart opened up and grew and G became my world. Now, I cannot imagine life without him, but if something happened I know I would go on. I would pick up the pieces of my crumbled and broken heart and continue breathing. Someday I might even love again. Not like my love for G, different of course. But it might happen again.
Then came Sam. And my heart opened up and grew a million times over. I am profoundly and forever changed. The shear ache I feel when I’m not with him — it’s not just emotional but actually physical. The smell of his skin, his hair can bring me to tears. There is nothing on this planet better than when he gives me a hug and holds my face in his hands and kisses me. No sound in the world is sweeter than when he calls “mommm.”
And if anything ever happened. It wouldn’t be just my heart broken, it would be me. I would be broken. And I don’t think I could ever be repaired.
I’m not trying to be morbid, but I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. Of course I expected to love him more than anything. But I never understood, never had a clue it would be this deep, this permanent, this powerful.
Even more surprising? My heart is opening up again, and I feel that desire, that pull to parent a second child. For Sam to have a sibling (brother.) For my heart and my world to be changed again.
i remember being so surprised at the strength of those feelings myself. after jude was born, i realized that there is a vulnerability in loving someone THAT much. but then you go out and do it all again… and the love only grows.
I am right there with you. I had no idea love could be like that. And, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to love Amalia that way. After all, how can you possibly fit that much love into one heart?! But, I do and it did.
Are you thinking of opening up to another sibling sooner rather than later?! I’d like to know!
That is a “mother’s love”. So strong…deep…true…unconditional… AND it does grow from one to three and now to 4 and who knows maybe more…??? I never thought I could love another child as much as I did my first…but as said above…your heart just grows with each one! I also think your love grows for your spouse. You see them in a whole new light when they hold those babes or when they are wrestling on the floor…or when they tear up at a song that reminds them of their children! Love…isn’t it amazing!!!
That’s the type of love I’m aiming for!
I know exactly what you’re talking about … kids change us sooo much!!!! Are you thinking about another adoption? That’s great! Sammy needs a sibling. For the longest I thought Jalen was it, but as he grew older I realized, he should not grow up by himself …. hence, now soon – I hope sooner, than later – my little girl!!!! Kids are such a blessing, and they do turn us into better people!!!
Every night after Miles goes to bed, we talk about this ridiculous, almost unexplainable, love we have for him. We’re like giddy kids in love.
I think a brother sounds perfect for Sam. Shall we start this together?