On one of the adoption forums I follow a debate was launched about the wording used for a birth mother, when the child has been adopted.
There are as many opinions out there as there are APs. But several blogs were referenced and some of them specifically said that adoptive moms who take issue with the terms “natural” and “real” mom are living in lala land, oversensative, and are only thinking about themselves, not their children.
Well, I DO take issue with these terms, and it’s NOT about me. It’s about my son. When someone asks where his “real” or “natural” mom is (someday, he’s only 1 1/2 now), I don’t want him to think (1) he wasn’t wanted by his birth family (2) we aren’t supposed to be his parents (3) his (current) family is somehow invalid.
Sam was abandoned. We don’t have any information on a birth family. NONE. I believe the paperwork we have, because there was an investigation lasting several weeks, deposition testimony, signed statements, etc. He wasn’t abandoned in an orphanage, which sometimes leads people to consider some financial compensation and/or false promises made to the birth mom/family. He was found at a water distribution center and brought to a police station by the man who found him. The police determined where to place him (orphanage) after first writing MOWA with the evidence collected and MOWA declaring him a true orphan.
Okay, I guess there is a very remote chance the man who found him was actually either (1) birth family or (2) paid by birth family to “drop” Sam off…but I truly doubt that. He had ID and signed a deposition, so I think he would be risking a lot if he was actually the birth family. Also he didn’t name Sam, the police did. Again, if birth family, I would think they would have named him.
I don’t know if the birth mom died, or couldn’t financially support him. I just know someone left him at a water station. I won’t give him any negative information/feelings about his birth family, but my husband and I see this as similar to a US mom who leaves a baby in a public place (restrooms, grocery stores, etc.)
We cannot say “your birth mom loved you so much she wanted you to have a better life” because WE DON’T KNOW. We just know he was abandoned and fate determined that we would be his parents. Period.
We are his parents. I have an ETH birth certificate that lists me as the mother, and an IL birth certificate that lists me as the mother. Sure, we adopted Sam…and that’s pretty obvious since neither of us are black. But I’m not going to say glowing things about a lady in Ethiopia when I don’t know them to be true.
So yes, I have issues with “real” and “natural” mom. But I think it would be completely different if we knew anything about a birth family/had a birth mom meeting/Sam was older. I don’t think it’s about me. I think it’s about the truth and never lying to Sam. Some people think that constitutes us treating his birth mom as a “vessle” that birthed him and nothing more. But Sam was so young when he was found, that he still had his umbilical cord stump…in my book, his birth mom birthed him. Period. Did she love him? I hope so. Was it difficult to give him up? I hope so. Did she die? I hope not. But I’m not going to sugar coat the situation for Sam.
WE ARE HIS FAMILY. OUR FAMILY IS NATURAL. Sam could not be a more organic part of our lives if I had carried him in my uterus. Genes don’t make family. Conception doesn’t make family. Delivery doesn’t make family. Love makes family. Raising a child to be the most joyful, loving, caring and compassionate human possible makes family. And if that all happens together it’s terrific. But the fact I didn’t carry Sam in my uterus doesn’t make me any less of a natural, real mother.
At least, that’s how I feel.
Well said, Meg. I didn’t realize anyone in the adoption community still used terms like that. That’s really amazing to me. You are Sam’s real mother, no question about it!
i’ve been following that debate too…and wondered if you’d be blogging about it.
brayden sometimes asks about ellie’s “other mom…you know, the one in ethiopia whose belly she grew in…”
I think I’m less sensitive about the semantics of what to call a biological/birth/first mother than most, but my children were not relinquished nor abandoned as babies. My children’s other mom (what we call her) raised them, loved them, and provided them for years. The situation’s different. I don’t know how I’d feel if I were in your position, but the truth is-it’s your right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling and to parent Sam accordingly. When he’s older, he’ll have the ideas and confidence that you helped to give him and he’ll be able to make his own decisions with those tools.
I think every family’s natural-regardless of how it happens. I truly think when people say the word “natural”, though, they often don’t mean anything by it-they are simply ignorant of what else to possibly call it. But, maybe that’s just my perspective. I tend to ignore people who don’t mean much to me. Ha.
You know this has been an issue for me, not because I want it to be, but because others bring it up. I thank you for blogging about it!
Ours is a bit different than yours, just as everyone’s is a bit different. But here is where our family weighs in . . . Lil Pumpkin’s first family is called her “birth family,” and we also refer with great affection to her foster family. WE are her “Forever Family,” her Forever Mummy and her Forever Daddy.
We do not share with anybody, and I mean nobody else, the circumstances of how she was found, or where she was found. That is private, and belongs only to Lil Pumpkin, when she is old enough to inquire and understand. It is not shameful or awful – it was in a safe, public place. We want her to take pride in that, and understand that her birth family cared enough about her safety and well-being to do such a thing. She was estimated to be about 7 weeks of age at this time when she was found. We stress to all how grateful we are that her birth family gave her LIFE, and then sought, for whatever circumstances, to give her what they thought was a better life. Was it because she was a girl? Because they were poor? Because they had somehow learned that she would need heart surgery someday (the last being unlikely)? We don’t know. And we have been counseled to not “fill in the blanks” but to let LP make up her own mind someday on what she thinks may have lead to such a decision and actions.
It pisses me off to know end when the word “abandoned” is used by people outside the adoptive community – it’s such a negative word, and birth families make difficult decisions, no doubt. But LP’s birth family didn’t have an abortion, they didn’t commit infanticide, and they didn’t throw her in a garbage can somewhere, which is what has happened in the grand ol’ USA many times over. So we choose to celebrate and honor her family of origin, and pray that they find peace someday as they think of the little girl who will forever be missing from their lives. I often cry when I peek in on my sleeping daughter, trying to think about what her birth family must think about in the stillness of their own nights.
I also think that the word “abandoned” is offensive to birth families. They should be honored by their actions to give life, and then their agonozing decision to give a better life in their minds – is it better for them to tough it out and feed a starving child? To try and care for a child who may die due to insufficient medical attention, or in need of surgery? All children have value, and we need to spread that message by honoring those who created them, and not judging their conception nor decisions.
When inquiries happen from people about her “Real” family, I remind people, with a very firm tone, that WE are her real parents, and the 31 lb child who is scrabling up my leg and calling me “Mummy” is not someone I am babysitting. If they say “yeah, what I meant was _____” I look at them and shake my head, as if I am in a fog, and say “why do you need to know?”
I think every single person who knows us intimately (family, friends) were briefed long ago to not ask us these questions, and the reasons why were explained, understood, and supported. We are blessed to have photos of Lil Pumpkin with her Foster Family, and even these are private, to someday be viewed by LP at her choosing, and if she chooses to share with others, then the decision is hers (they are quite lovely, though).
There seems to be something about an international adoption that makes people think they can ask, and adoptive parents share, such info that they would probably hold more closely to their vest than in a domestic adoption . . . by that I mean is that in a domestic adoption you have far less couples advertising on their web site/blog that their child was: removed from the custody of their birth parent(s) due to neglect/abuse, was born addicted to drugs, was being sexually abused, the product of rape, and so on. Why it’s acceptable to share the details in an international adoption, therefore, is not something my husband and I have been able to understand.
I think each family built by adoption must make their own choices when it comes to info-sharing. These just happen to be ours, and we are secure in ours, and believe we have are on a good path.
P.S. Sorry for above typos and incorrect usage of some words (”know” vs. “no,” LOL) – had another crappy night of little sleep.
I also wanted to add that in NO WAY are all domestic adoptions the product of something having gone wrong post-birth (i.e. abuse, neglect, etc.), I was just noting those reasons by way of comparison. I am in awe of birth families who make this loving decision on their own, without any outside source (like the courts) being responsible for it having occurred.
I commented on that thread but I’ll say some of it here.
Medina has used the term “real” when talking about her Ethiopian mother. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m a little bothered when other people ask me about her real mother but really, it’s just a word. I know that Medina knows we are both her mothers and we spend a lot of time talking about how families are formed and why we’re different than most. Medina, Ruby and I are a family full of love but we are not a family formed through the natural (as in, most common) way. We are different, whether we want to adimit it or not. It doesn’t mean that we love each other any less though.
One thing that I didn’t mention on the thread as a term that really bothers me is forever family when used in a certain way. “That’s her birth/biological/first mom but I’m her forever mom.” or any other version of that. My daughters have two forever families. I will be their family forever but so will their families in Ethiopia and Guatemala.
I think a lot of times, adoptive parents get somewhat bent out of shape over the terms used because we feel the need to validate our family and make ourselves just like everyone else. But are families aren’t just like everyone elses. If we acknowledge that and talk to our children aobut it, being bothered by these terms really goes away.
Just my 2 cents…
KERRI – I can see why “forever family” might tick off people — in no way does our family’s usage of that phrase ever seek to diminish our daughter’s birth family or sever their tie to her, even though she will never have contact with them. I wonder if you have come across another phrase or term that we might consider? I don’t care for “adoptive family” nor do we like when people say “Lil Pumpkin IS adopted” because it implies a current state of being – her adoption was in the past, so we say “She WAS adopted.”
Can I also just GRRRRR when celeb obituaries point out when an adoption has taken place?! Or when there is a crime and there is the rush to point out that (gasp) there was an adoption somewhere?!
Very well put Meg, I totally agree with you.
Great topic, and very well said. You are entitled to feel the way you do…we all are. Amelie, like Sam, was abandoned at 1 month old. It was at a police station, and we have no idea who left her there, we just know who found her. So, we assume she was dropped off by birth family, that her birth mother may have died or was severely malnourished and couldn’t feed her (Amelie was EXTREMELY thin, possibly near death, so we think the birth mother died– no milk). I am grateful to whoever left her there because they saved her life. She will always know that whoever left her there loved her enough to save her life instead of let her die in their arms (which families often do).
I personally dislike the term “real family” because it’s been used by classmates with my older son, Prasad, and it makes HIM uncomfortable. If he didn’t have a problem with it, I probably wouldn’t either. He has to correct people, saying we are “real”… I prefer the word “Birth mother” or Birth family” and we are all “real” or “natural”… adoption is one of the most “natural” things on earth, it even happens across species! I know people mean well when they say it, but my son really hates it.
Ms J – I’m glad your usage of the term “forever family” doesn’t reflect on feelings about the birth family of your child. Unfortunately, I was talking to an adoptive mom once and she said something along the lines of “we don’t think about them. We’re his forever family.” ICK!!! You may be his forever family but so are they, just in a different way. Probably (because I can’t really remember now) I never thought about that term in a negative way before that incident.
I will say that adopting an almost 8 year old who spent 7 years with her Ethiopian family really opened my eyes to family issues so much more than adopting my other daughter who was an infant and is now only 3. My other thought is that there is no truly right or wrong terms and my opinion is much less important than those of my children. They will dictate the terms used in our home and right now, that’s just mom, no matter which mom we are talking about.